Knowing and Loving the things that make up Me

Today I did my own thing.  I didn't make any plans with friends and I didn't follow a schedule.  I was spontaneous in doing the things I felt like doing and I feel satisfied with everything I did.  The food I made was delicious, the book I read was fabulous and has been on my list for a while, and the chores I accomplished were necessary so I was happy to do them.  I know I am going to have a busy couple of weeks coming up, and today, I feel like I got in tune with myself.  I do what I want to do in order to make my life better.  It is important to know what needs to be done and to be aware that I am accomplishing the necessary things.  It is also important to keep time open so I can express my freedom and instincts.  Eventually, my instincts are to do what needs to be done; however, on a Saturday like today, I followed my instincts and ended up reading Truman Capote's "Breakfast at Tiffany's" on the couch until 11 pm.  This is the person I am and the person I want to be sometimes.  I love that I know this about myself and am not ashamed of wanting to spend a Saturday night reading.  I would love to have company during times like this, but for now, I can be happy with myself.

love Lost can be Found again

Being happy for the people that have left me was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.  When someone you love no longer loves you, you have to let them go.  But in addition, you have to be able to talk to, see, and think about that person without feeling bitter.  Honestly, I think time apart is the best way to accomplish this.  I have literally had to remove myself from all situations in which I could encounter these people.  Being apart has made me realize that I do not regret anything I did or felt for anyone, but that I do not need them to live a happy life.  New people are just around the corner and if I want to find love in them, I must let go of the love I felt for the others.  The past has passed and I have moved on just as much as my old loves have, even though I have not found someone special to move on with.  I think this is the result of keeping feelings of hope in ended relationships when I should have just moved forward with all of my love into the next object of my affection.

This realization makes me feel more lovable, even though I definitely feel vulnerable since all of my love is back in me and not relying on others.  I have come to understand that if I want to be happy, I need to do it for myself, not to make others jealous so they want me back.  Now that I am happy with myself and I know how much love I have to give, I need to be patient and wait for God to bring somebody who is worthy of all of my love into my life.

This is what my life is about.

Finding beauty is one of the easiest things, but it can be challenging to remember to look for it.  Spending time making my space beautiful, working out and maintaining my body to feel beautiful, surrounding myself with people who are beautiful from the inside out, and rewarding myself with beautiful things are ingredients that make a life beautiful.  We all do these things subconsciously; we brush our teeth when we wake up and decorate our rooms with things that remind us of the things that make us happy because our life is better this way.  There come moments when I just think, I need to make my life better and I start by cleaning up everything in my life and enjoying the beauty that is in everything that surrounds me.  I can talk to whoever I want at the touch of a button, be inspired in a click, and find love in listening to certain songs over and over.  This freedom is so overwhelming at times because I can lose track of my goals.  The trick is to figure out what I have to do each day, organize my time so I can do everything I need to, and let go of my worries when I know I don't need to have them.

Finding security in decisions is a practiced skill.  I must have faith in my past and future self to trust that I will be woken up by when I need to be up and that everything essential will be taken care of.  With this trust, I can focus on what needs to be done in the present moment.  Some days, the things that need to be done include seemingly unimportant passtimes in my ultimate goals of life.  Finding new music, keeping up with my Google Reader, and flipping through pages on my Nook may seem like a waste of time when I have "more important" things to do, like write an essay and edit poems.  I know myself, though, and I know that in the grand scheme of my life, I am doing what I need to do.  I am in school, attending class, fulfilling assignments, and working on the side.  How I pass each hour in the day is up to me.  I have arranged it the way I like so that my free hours are at times when I can really feel free.  Having free time requires that I make it free, just as I can easily make it full.  I love when I can find the perfect balance between feeling exhausted from being so busy and feeling too bored from not having enough plans.  Planning life is very important; but because plans can change from day to day and hour to hour, it is important to recognize when I am doing what I want and when I have gotten off track.

I have made my plan for life a beautiful one.  I have dreams of beautiful apartments in New York City, homes in the country, and fabulous people to spend time in all these different places with.  I want my life with my family to be lovely, and I hope to make a successful business doing what I love.  My friends have been selected, my journey planned, and I am happy.