Closure before a New Chapter

As I lay down in my bed tonight, I get a rush of emotion, memories bursting through my mind.  This is the last night I am sleeping in my current apartment and, my, what a crazy year in this room it has been.  I have gone through the worst times of my life, but I got through them and turned into a better person.  I started here in a horrible place and let myself get more miserable.  I have cried harder than I have in years in this bed and if this ceiling could talk, my would it have some ridiculous stories.  It is impossible to forget these things...they were the beginning of my twenties and I am thankful for everything I have learned in this spot.

Goodnight&& sweet dreams...

Changes

Oftentimes, I find that changing my permanent location puts me into a completely different state of mind.  This can be a very good thing when I am leaving behind a place that brings negative memories to mind.  The state of bliss I am in from being in my new place lingers and I feel like a new person even when I go back to the place of negativity.  I love the hope that I have for the future and the unknown memories that I am certain to experience.  There will be happiness, love, and friendship in a new place that never existed where I was.  Moving is a new beginning in every part of my life and it reminds me of the me that is living for a purpose.  Everything happens to get me to the next part of the plan, so I look forward to what is in store for me!

Knowing and Loving the things that make up Me

Today I did my own thing.  I didn't make any plans with friends and I didn't follow a schedule.  I was spontaneous in doing the things I felt like doing and I feel satisfied with everything I did.  The food I made was delicious, the book I read was fabulous and has been on my list for a while, and the chores I accomplished were necessary so I was happy to do them.  I know I am going to have a busy couple of weeks coming up, and today, I feel like I got in tune with myself.  I do what I want to do in order to make my life better.  It is important to know what needs to be done and to be aware that I am accomplishing the necessary things.  It is also important to keep time open so I can express my freedom and instincts.  Eventually, my instincts are to do what needs to be done; however, on a Saturday like today, I followed my instincts and ended up reading Truman Capote's "Breakfast at Tiffany's" on the couch until 11 pm.  This is the person I am and the person I want to be sometimes.  I love that I know this about myself and am not ashamed of wanting to spend a Saturday night reading.  I would love to have company during times like this, but for now, I can be happy with myself.

love Lost can be Found again

Being happy for the people that have left me was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.  When someone you love no longer loves you, you have to let them go.  But in addition, you have to be able to talk to, see, and think about that person without feeling bitter.  Honestly, I think time apart is the best way to accomplish this.  I have literally had to remove myself from all situations in which I could encounter these people.  Being apart has made me realize that I do not regret anything I did or felt for anyone, but that I do not need them to live a happy life.  New people are just around the corner and if I want to find love in them, I must let go of the love I felt for the others.  The past has passed and I have moved on just as much as my old loves have, even though I have not found someone special to move on with.  I think this is the result of keeping feelings of hope in ended relationships when I should have just moved forward with all of my love into the next object of my affection.

This realization makes me feel more lovable, even though I definitely feel vulnerable since all of my love is back in me and not relying on others.  I have come to understand that if I want to be happy, I need to do it for myself, not to make others jealous so they want me back.  Now that I am happy with myself and I know how much love I have to give, I need to be patient and wait for God to bring somebody who is worthy of all of my love into my life.

This is what my life is about.

Finding beauty is one of the easiest things, but it can be challenging to remember to look for it.  Spending time making my space beautiful, working out and maintaining my body to feel beautiful, surrounding myself with people who are beautiful from the inside out, and rewarding myself with beautiful things are ingredients that make a life beautiful.  We all do these things subconsciously; we brush our teeth when we wake up and decorate our rooms with things that remind us of the things that make us happy because our life is better this way.  There come moments when I just think, I need to make my life better and I start by cleaning up everything in my life and enjoying the beauty that is in everything that surrounds me.  I can talk to whoever I want at the touch of a button, be inspired in a click, and find love in listening to certain songs over and over.  This freedom is so overwhelming at times because I can lose track of my goals.  The trick is to figure out what I have to do each day, organize my time so I can do everything I need to, and let go of my worries when I know I don't need to have them.

Finding security in decisions is a practiced skill.  I must have faith in my past and future self to trust that I will be woken up by when I need to be up and that everything essential will be taken care of.  With this trust, I can focus on what needs to be done in the present moment.  Some days, the things that need to be done include seemingly unimportant passtimes in my ultimate goals of life.  Finding new music, keeping up with my Google Reader, and flipping through pages on my Nook may seem like a waste of time when I have "more important" things to do, like write an essay and edit poems.  I know myself, though, and I know that in the grand scheme of my life, I am doing what I need to do.  I am in school, attending class, fulfilling assignments, and working on the side.  How I pass each hour in the day is up to me.  I have arranged it the way I like so that my free hours are at times when I can really feel free.  Having free time requires that I make it free, just as I can easily make it full.  I love when I can find the perfect balance between feeling exhausted from being so busy and feeling too bored from not having enough plans.  Planning life is very important; but because plans can change from day to day and hour to hour, it is important to recognize when I am doing what I want and when I have gotten off track.

I have made my plan for life a beautiful one.  I have dreams of beautiful apartments in New York City, homes in the country, and fabulous people to spend time in all these different places with.  I want my life with my family to be lovely, and I hope to make a successful business doing what I love.  My friends have been selected, my journey planned, and I am happy.

Indulging

I find that one of the most pleasurable things to do in life is to knowingly indulge in something I love.  Whether it's a tasty treat, shopping for something I don't need, blasting a song, or spending a free morning by myself, I feel an excitement when I indulge that pushes me to keep working and creating an even better future for myself.  Without these moments of indulging in my favorite things, there would be no point to all of my hard work and effort.  The feeling of pleasure I get when I treat myself to something I love is so satisfying and rewarding that I am willing and excited about working afterwards for my next moment of indulging.

Indulging is not about making bad, unhealthy, or stupid decisions, although they may sound that way.  It is simply about making a choice that makes me happy.  Ideally, I want every decision I make to be one that makes me happy; but sometimes, I consider it bad to do things that make me happy, like eat dessert for breakfast every morning.  In the movie Original Sin, Angelina Jolie's character asks the question "can pleasure ever be a sin?".  As I think about this question, I find myself wanting to follow the good feelings that pleasure brings about because, ultimately, good feelings lead to a happy life.  I simply have to come to know what pleases me, ensure that my pleasures will not give me a bad conscience, and move forward in life doing the things that please me the most.

Not everyone has the same pleasures, so some may value different things more than others, but one's taste is their taste.  Only that individual can decide whether something is good for their taste or bad for it.  You can describe why you love something more vividly as you experience more of it, but when you don't like something, there is no more experience of it and you can't describe what you don't necessarily like about it.  But that is the best part of life.  You just have to feel what makes you happiest and work hard in order to get the pleasure to indulge in your happiness.  These are often the great memories, but can also be the simple pleasures of life, such as a morning with just Vogue and coffee.  I love to indulge and I will never give up this essential aspect of life.

New York State Of Mind

This song just makes me so happy. I always feel in a much different state of mind when I'm in New York...a lovely feeling of community, history, and everything I could ever want within footsteps. I love being in different places, too, but it's nice to have songs like this that can almost take me back to that feeling of being in New York that I love so much when I can't physically be there in the near future.

My Soul is Full

I love listening to soul music, reading about soulful things, and expressing my soul.  I feel like my life is a continuous attempt to experience the world, and the only way to make sense of everything that happens is to express the things I feel deeply about.  At some moments, that expression comes in buying one kind of cheese over another or choosing which pair of sunglasses to wear, and sometimes, it takes a writing in my journal to understand what I want and to recenter myself.  Every experience has the potential to be an obstacle in my life if I do not accept it and adjust to its effects.  After time, obstacles can begin to feel like routines.  But routines can be the most pleasurable adventures.  I can get excited with every decision I make and be happy about the benefits each choice brings to my life.  Even if everything is not perfect, if I make each moment special, I can feel good in my days.  If I have served a purpose on this planet or changed something for the improvement of the future, I feel valuable.

I indulge in the pleasures of life so that I can continue to participate in it, for without the experience of pleasure, I would not work so hard to get more of it.  I will never have everything I want because, then, I would stop wanting things.  I never want to lose that feeling of excitement when I find something I want.  It's even more exciting when, after I put in the effort, am able to experience for myself the thing I had found and had to get.  This is the creation of a life.  Letting myself indulge in the things I work so hard to make a part of my life inspires me to keep working, keep creating, and keep the cycles of life in perpetual progression.  I am thankful for everyone and everything that I experience on a daily basis and I am thankful for having the time to relish in the satisfied spirit that fills my soul.

Creative Cooking

Finding inspiration in the kitchen usually starts with the ingredients I have on hand.  I keep staples, such as cereal and oatmeal, peanut butter, and salad or smoothie goodies, at all times, but I'd like to switch up my routine and get creative with cooking.  The first step is to find recipes that excite my taste buds so that I can be sure to buy everything I need for when the time comes that I'm craving a certain something.  Before going to the store, I will simply go through my collection of fantasy meals and get what I think I need to recreate them in ways that best suit my preferences.  Cooking takes creativity, patience, and attention to taste, but it is all worth it when I end up with amazing recipes that I can continue to make and adjust forever.

Serendipity

The sailboat I spent hours maneuvering,

Always trying to beat the best.

A day with best friends and ice cream

Is a sweet memory of the city.

A girl slams her door and opens it

To find that her new world is even better.

Ending up in a new place with people

And love you never thought existed.

The feeling of home

In a song on the radio.

It makes me want to dance spontaneously

Forever—fate cannot be designed.

Something on the side of the road

That gives me a chance to smile.

A person whose love has been brought

Into my awareness like none other before it.

It comes and goes as often as I choose

To accept its gifts and thank it’s rewards.