A Brief History of Me

As a fifteen year-old girl finishing my freshman year of high school at a public school in Littleton, Colorado, I entered the summer of 2007 with excitement.  I was, as usual, traveling to my house on Lake George in upstate New York to spend two months playing on the water with the family and friends who I have known and loved since before I can remember memories.  My dad would visit for two weeks (one at the beginning and one at the end), and I couldn’t be more excited.  I could feel that something was going to be great about this summer, and I was right.  I had the most fun I had ever had with my friends, but I also noticed a change in the relationship of my parents.  I assumed things would go back to normal when we returned home to Colorado.   But weird things continued to happen.  After a couple weeks of being home, my parents broke the news to my brothers and I that they were getting a divorce.  I will never forget this day, for it is a day that changed me forever.  About a month later, I was touring private schools in New Jersey and staying at the house of the man who will be marrying my mother this coming fall, six years later.  Basically, my last year in Colorado was a blur of partying, playing lacrosse, and making memories with my friends (most of who were going off to college).  I lived two years in New Jersey and pretty much hated every minute of it.  I hardly saw my dad, who stayed in Colorado, and I felt extremely lonely. 

When I flew down to Texas to start my freshman year at SMU, I was even more excited than when I went to Lake George three summers before.  I knew I was going to meet incredible people, have amazing experiences, and learn so much about the world.  What I didn’t expect, however, was how much I was about to learn about myself.  I always knew I was a good student, but being surrounded by friends who just wanted to pass their classes made me question why I cared so much about grades.  I kept up a 4.0 for two semesters, but there were so many other things I could be doing, like hanging out with my friends, trying new restaurants, and going on long walks around the beautiful sidewalks of Highland Park.  I got involved in clubs, sports, and Greek life; and I was happier than I had been since I had left Colorado.  I even got to see my dad a couple of times that year. 

One weekend when most of my friends were out of town, I was sitting on my futon with a friend of mine who is very religious.  Casey was the one in my group of friends who partied without drinking and who could always be counted on to put together the stories that none of us remembered in the mornings after going out.  Although I had gone to church every Sunday in elementary school, my family began skiing on Sundays when club lacrosse games started taking place on Saturdays in middle school.  After my family got out of the habit of going to church regularly, we even stopped going on holidays like Christmas and Easter.  During my time in school in New Jersey, I noticed my interest in spiritual things when I had a Buddhist minister as one of my teachers.  We often mediated during class, and I read a lot of books about enlightenment.  The universe always fascinated me; and on this weekend when I was alone with Casey, I began to ask him questions about Jesus.  He answered them all as best as he could, and he even encouraged me to go to church with him.  I went a couple of times, and something strange happened.  I would uncontrollably cry as soon as the pastor began speaking.  Opening my dialogue with God again was another turning point in my life that has changed me forever.

My sophomore year at SMU was the time in my life that I hit rock bottom.  I was no longer seeing or speaking to my father, I had my heart broken by a boy I thought I had loved, and my friends seemed to stop caring about hanging out with me (probably because I was so depressing to be around at this point).  I decided I needed to make a change, and I did.  First, I started a blog.  To this day, it is a place where I can express myself.  It felt good to put my feelings out there even though it is likely that nobody ever came across it.  I went through about a year of extreme sadness during which I would just cry.  I didn’t know what was hurting me, and I was so far from my family that they didn’t notice I was struggling.  Luckily, a couple of good friends listened to me and helped me determine the root of my pain: my dad.  I didn’t understand why we had completely lost touch and how a parent could show so little care for a child.  I had been coping with this loss by creating a hard exterior around my heart.  While I did this as a defense mechanism to hold onto the love that my father had given me in the past, it hurt me even more because it kept new love from going in.  Breaking down this wall and becoming vulnerable was a long process, but I knew that I still had a strong anchor to my other family and friends.

Letting go of my dad as a person who I loved was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I still find the whole situation very sad.  But I have gained strength in learning how to live my life without allowing others to control my feelings.  I have also developed an understanding about myself to a degree that I never thought I could.  One thing that helped me through this time was rediscovering my faith in God.  I don’t go to church often, but I pray and write to Him any time I feel unsure, weak, or sad.  I also read the Bible for answers in times of desperation, and I thank God for everything as often as I can.  God is what I love most because He is the foundation on which I have rebuilt my life. 

My dream since my first trip to New York City when I was ten has been to live and work in the city that never sleeps.  I plan to move there as soon as I graduate and pursue a career in real estate.  Somewhere along the way, I hope I meet and marry the man of my dreams.  I also want to have a family of my own and travel all over the world.  My greatest moments of joy are experiences with my friends and family.  The feeling of bonding with these people over games, laughter, and stories is more fulfilling than anything else in the world.  I am equally fascinated by experiences with nature, such as watching shooting stars dart across the sky or seeing the colors that a sunrise creates on the lake.  These phenomena fascinate me because of their beauty that God created.  I always try to be aware and grateful for nature as much as I am for my loved ones. 

The main things I value in life are honesty, loyalty, and love.  I believe that being honest about who you are and are not is important in relationships, for I care about people enough to let them know who I genuinely am and I appreciate when they reciprocate by showing me their true selves.  Loyalty is essential in being honest and ensuring that you do not hurt people who you care about and who care for you.  Lastly, I believe that life begins with love, and the purpose of life is to love and feel loved.  It is the basis of all desires and great memories, and it is what will keep us happy and alive as a race.  In fact, I believe that everything in “life” is an allusion of what we choose to think, see, hear, smell, touch, and feel both physically and emotionally.  Therefore, after my body dies, I believe my soul will enter a heavenly realm where all good souls go to enjoy each other for eternity without the fears, struggles, and insecurities of the physical realm.  I am not a perfect person and I never want to be.  I only want to be of service to those I can help, always be exploring ways to improve life, and never stop loving those for whom I care the most.