A Bit About Anger - RIP Robin Williams

The Angriest Man in Brooklyn


Robin Williams:

Tommy,

I’ll make this as simple as I can. I love you. That’s my rock bottom. That’s my immutable. My damned and naked soul. I loved you from the moment you were born all red and covered in mucusy stuff until this moment right now.

They say that love is pure and generous – it’s not. It’s small and selfish. You know, I wanted you at the office because I couldn’t imagine anything finer than having you next to me. Altmann, Altmann and Altmann. What a dream. What you wanted, what you dreamed – I didn’t want to hear it. I was wrong. I hope you can forgive me.

I pray for your happiness. Whatever swanning around you want to do, you have my love and my blessing.

I’m sorry this only came clear to me now that I’m dying, but that’s how life rolls out. The only people that don’t look back with regret are idiots and psychopaths. And I got a lifetime of regrets, boy. Takin’ that clerkship in Queens, what a fool not tellin’ my father to fuck off – like the old man would ever love me. Pushin’ your mother away – what a boneless coward I am. And then there’s your brother.

Why, Lord why, I mean what kind of God, what kind of world? It’s a stinkin’ con game. You grow up being told, “Wait for the sweets and the roses.” Then they hit ya with a pick ax in the ear.

Grief –they say ya pass through it. Bull shit! They say, “don’t get angry…oh let it go. It’s killing you.” I say, “FUCK THAT!”

Anger’s the only thing they left me. Anger’s my refuge. It’s my shield.

Anger is my birthright.

Moving On

The summer of 2014 is almost a memory, and as I sit down to reflect on the lessons that I have learned about living in "the real world," I feel complete gratitude for the transformation that I have undergone over the past 10 weeks. It all started after I graduated from college and moved home to rural New Jersey. Living with my family again, working in Florida for several weeks, spending time with my grandparents who are another year closer to the end of their lives, letting go of unhealthy relationships, taking a vacation to the beach in Rhode Island, continuing to spend time at Lake George—all of these experiences have given me opportunities to grow closer to the people I love and to appreciate the beauty in the world that I had forgotten to simply enjoy.

It occurred to me that in order to move on with the life I had into a new life that I love even more, I needed to do a little soul searching. What I found deep down was that I was scared. Fear is a natural part of the emotional realm that humans experience, and without fear, most of us would likely be dead. Fears develop as a defense mechanism to change our behavior, preventing us from doing things that could hurt or kill. Oftentimes, we develop fears of emotions because we have had our feelings hurt in the past and that experience caused us to suffer. I, for example, have been terrified to open my heart and love. This fear of feeling the emotion of love with a man is the result of being emotionally abandoned by my father. My fear of being hurt caused me to build walls around my heart that served as shields to the love that was being given to me and preventing me from openly giving my love.

Ultimately, however, observing my fear and understanding it completely has taken me out of the fear. When I can view it from the outside, it is no longer the force that drives my thoughts and choices. Once I got out of my fear, I started to see how much love I have in me. All I want to do now is share my love and find it in others. This has made me an incredibly happy human.

I have realized that being unattached to everything and letting myself just be present in the current moment is the most freeing sensation I have ever felt. It feels like everything I do, everywhere I go, and everyone with whom I interact is showing me that life is meant to be lived in happiness and love; and fears are just a part of life that arise to protect us. Being scared is not the way to live life, so we must not allow our fears to control us. Instead, we are here on this planet to feel what it is like to be alive. There are so many things to be grateful for in this world, and choosing to fester in fear is merely a habit.

I have decided to quit living by my fears; rather, I want to make loving memories that stay in my heart forever.

I absolutely love the natural world, I am crazy in love with these creatures similar to me called human beings, there are interesting animals sharing their lives on this earth with us, and the most amazing thing is when it all comes together to make beautiful moments in time.

It is time for this gal to stop being scared to sink and to simply hold on to the hope that my purpose on this planet is to find love, beauty, and happiness among all of the fear, pain, and suffering that exists.

Love

The clip above from the show Cougar Town depicts an extraordinary moment full of lessons about love:

Love is spontaneous;
Love is shared;
Love is brave;
Love is certain;
And love can be everywhere.

P.S. The song playing during this scene is called "Lost and Found" by Katie Herzig, and it is a beautiful tune with powerful lyrics. I believe it is about a girl who has lost a man she loved, and she has found God while searching for a way to continue living without the person she lost.

Luke 19:10 "For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost."

A Little Girl's Daddy

As little girls, Daddy is the figure we look to love.  We watch him love Mommy, and we dream of having a man just like him.  The traits that Daddy possesses are the ones girls look for when we start looking for our own man to love.

Unfortunately, not all girls are lucky enough to have a father who openly loves.  Some men marry women for their money, thinking her parents will support the family and he will not have to work to provide.  Some men cheat on their wives, thinking that she is enjoying herself on vacation with the kids and won't notice the lingerie his prostitute left in his wife's armoire.  Some men also have perverted and violent tendencies.  These can be taken out on both wives and children.

When a girl has a dad who possesses traits like the ones described above, these are what she instinctually looks for in a mate.  These are men that hurt her, however, and leave her feeling as wounded as her mother felt by the soulless treatment of her father.

As a girl with a poor father, I have found that it is important to recognize this fact and make a point to seek a man who possesses traits that my father does not, as unnatural as that may feel at first.  I never want to suffer the abandonment, fear, or hopelessness that women who marry devilish men experience.  Most importantly, however, I will do everything in my power to ensure that my children have parents who serve as role models.

Nobody can fake being a father.  Therefore, a man who lacks the character of a true gentleman does not deserve the privilege of having a little girl in his life, even if he has already created her.

A Brief History of Me

As a fifteen year-old girl finishing my freshman year of high school at a public school in Littleton, Colorado, I entered the summer of 2007 with excitement.  I was, as usual, traveling to my house on Lake George in upstate New York to spend two months playing on the water with the family and friends who I have known and loved since before I can remember memories.  My dad would visit for two weeks (one at the beginning and one at the end), and I couldn’t be more excited.  I could feel that something was going to be great about this summer, and I was right.  I had the most fun I had ever had with my friends, but I also noticed a change in the relationship of my parents.  I assumed things would go back to normal when we returned home to Colorado.   But weird things continued to happen.  After a couple weeks of being home, my parents broke the news to my brothers and I that they were getting a divorce.  I will never forget this day, for it is a day that changed me forever.  About a month later, I was touring private schools in New Jersey and staying at the house of the man who will be marrying my mother this coming fall, six years later.  Basically, my last year in Colorado was a blur of partying, playing lacrosse, and making memories with my friends (most of who were going off to college).  I lived two years in New Jersey and pretty much hated every minute of it.  I hardly saw my dad, who stayed in Colorado, and I felt extremely lonely. 

When I flew down to Texas to start my freshman year at SMU, I was even more excited than when I went to Lake George three summers before.  I knew I was going to meet incredible people, have amazing experiences, and learn so much about the world.  What I didn’t expect, however, was how much I was about to learn about myself.  I always knew I was a good student, but being surrounded by friends who just wanted to pass their classes made me question why I cared so much about grades.  I kept up a 4.0 for two semesters, but there were so many other things I could be doing, like hanging out with my friends, trying new restaurants, and going on long walks around the beautiful sidewalks of Highland Park.  I got involved in clubs, sports, and Greek life; and I was happier than I had been since I had left Colorado.  I even got to see my dad a couple of times that year. 

One weekend when most of my friends were out of town, I was sitting on my futon with a friend of mine who is very religious.  Casey was the one in my group of friends who partied without drinking and who could always be counted on to put together the stories that none of us remembered in the mornings after going out.  Although I had gone to church every Sunday in elementary school, my family began skiing on Sundays when club lacrosse games started taking place on Saturdays in middle school.  After my family got out of the habit of going to church regularly, we even stopped going on holidays like Christmas and Easter.  During my time in school in New Jersey, I noticed my interest in spiritual things when I had a Buddhist minister as one of my teachers.  We often mediated during class, and I read a lot of books about enlightenment.  The universe always fascinated me; and on this weekend when I was alone with Casey, I began to ask him questions about Jesus.  He answered them all as best as he could, and he even encouraged me to go to church with him.  I went a couple of times, and something strange happened.  I would uncontrollably cry as soon as the pastor began speaking.  Opening my dialogue with God again was another turning point in my life that has changed me forever.

My sophomore year at SMU was the time in my life that I hit rock bottom.  I was no longer seeing or speaking to my father, I had my heart broken by a boy I thought I had loved, and my friends seemed to stop caring about hanging out with me (probably because I was so depressing to be around at this point).  I decided I needed to make a change, and I did.  First, I started a blog.  To this day, it is a place where I can express myself.  It felt good to put my feelings out there even though it is likely that nobody ever came across it.  I went through about a year of extreme sadness during which I would just cry.  I didn’t know what was hurting me, and I was so far from my family that they didn’t notice I was struggling.  Luckily, a couple of good friends listened to me and helped me determine the root of my pain: my dad.  I didn’t understand why we had completely lost touch and how a parent could show so little care for a child.  I had been coping with this loss by creating a hard exterior around my heart.  While I did this as a defense mechanism to hold onto the love that my father had given me in the past, it hurt me even more because it kept new love from going in.  Breaking down this wall and becoming vulnerable was a long process, but I knew that I still had a strong anchor to my other family and friends.

Letting go of my dad as a person who I loved was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I still find the whole situation very sad.  But I have gained strength in learning how to live my life without allowing others to control my feelings.  I have also developed an understanding about myself to a degree that I never thought I could.  One thing that helped me through this time was rediscovering my faith in God.  I don’t go to church often, but I pray and write to Him any time I feel unsure, weak, or sad.  I also read the Bible for answers in times of desperation, and I thank God for everything as often as I can.  God is what I love most because He is the foundation on which I have rebuilt my life. 

My dream since my first trip to New York City when I was ten has been to live and work in the city that never sleeps.  I plan to move there as soon as I graduate and pursue a career in real estate.  Somewhere along the way, I hope I meet and marry the man of my dreams.  I also want to have a family of my own and travel all over the world.  My greatest moments of joy are experiences with my friends and family.  The feeling of bonding with these people over games, laughter, and stories is more fulfilling than anything else in the world.  I am equally fascinated by experiences with nature, such as watching shooting stars dart across the sky or seeing the colors that a sunrise creates on the lake.  These phenomena fascinate me because of their beauty that God created.  I always try to be aware and grateful for nature as much as I am for my loved ones. 

The main things I value in life are honesty, loyalty, and love.  I believe that being honest about who you are and are not is important in relationships, for I care about people enough to let them know who I genuinely am and I appreciate when they reciprocate by showing me their true selves.  Loyalty is essential in being honest and ensuring that you do not hurt people who you care about and who care for you.  Lastly, I believe that life begins with love, and the purpose of life is to love and feel loved.  It is the basis of all desires and great memories, and it is what will keep us happy and alive as a race.  In fact, I believe that everything in “life” is an allusion of what we choose to think, see, hear, smell, touch, and feel both physically and emotionally.  Therefore, after my body dies, I believe my soul will enter a heavenly realm where all good souls go to enjoy each other for eternity without the fears, struggles, and insecurities of the physical realm.  I am not a perfect person and I never want to be.  I only want to be of service to those I can help, always be exploring ways to improve life, and never stop loving those for whom I care the most.

Lake House

It is one of those perfect August days—sunny and warm with a light layer of clouds to keep the heat from being too hot on the skin.  I woke up late; and currently, I am at my house on the southern point of Forest Bay.  I am sitting on a deck with Lake George at three and nine o'clock, and the houses I have lived in every summer for my whole life to my front and back.  When I look around, I can't help but see memories, people, and interactions that I have encountered in this area of the world over my years.  I even see the people whose faces I know from photographs of them sitting in these chairs.  They were on this porch, holding cocktails, when the love and laughter was created.  Chit-chat and gossip with cousins and neighbors, all about each other—I love that I am a part of this, and I know that we will have this place to return to each other for all the rest of our days.

To be twenty-one, a Senior in college, and almost living on my own, the experiences with my best friends and family take place less often.  We used to see each other every day from the moments we woke up until as late as we could pass out.  Whether it was curfews reeling us in at twelve in the evening or the booze knocking us out just after the sun rose, I have seen and lived the most beautiful things in life at this place.  I am grateful for the ever present rumble of a speedboat in the distance, laughter from children across the bay, and waves splashing against the rocks.  These are the sensory experiences that let me know that I am safe, at home.

This is a place I know; it is a place I love.

Must Hear

My favorite song at the moment is called "Sound Of The Drums" by Armin van Buuren (the #1 DJ in the world) and features Laura Jansen singing these beautiful lyrics:

Take a moment to hear this magical music:
   

The Nature of Life is Love

We live in this world made up of nature, but sometimes I forget that I am part of this natural environment that was created long ago and that continues to allow the existence of life in so many forms. I find it interesting that nature is thought of as a mother and God is called our father. Together, these two concepts create the world of which we humans are a part. It takes both a body made by God and a natural way of being made by Mother Nature to make life exist, but it is the love we each create that makes it continue. Finding out how to keep our bodies alive by consuming good food with enough nutrients as well as figuring out how to exercise it in a way that it lasts is just as important as finding the love within our spirits that keeps our nature in a harmonious flow with the rest of the world.

People who do not follow their nature or look for love in it tend to lose their minds, believing that the spirit of life is evil. Thus, the body is the holder of evil. These people are the ones who kill innocent beings, for, to them, the existence of life is evil and they would prefer it to be gone. On the other hand, those of us that experience love in our lives have created it within ourselves and allow it to manifest in our experiences with others. We find love everywhere we go and in everything we do. This is the spirit in those of us who want to survive and help others survive, as well. It is the complete opposite of evil and it will always outlast it, for evil kills but love creates more life.

"It Takes Courage and Character to Care"

I highly recommend this film to anyone looking for somewhere to go, something to feel, or some reason to cry.  From the story to the acting, this movie goes deep into the heart and pulls out the root of human suffering.  The plot is extremely emotional but changed my perspective on teachers, inner-city public schools, and people in desperate need who choose not to help themselves.  A truly great watch!

Poem Inspired by Adam Sandler as Mr. Deeds

A Lesson in Measuring Worth

“Work is just a challenge,” the old man says excitedly.  And business is a pleasure.
When stocks plunge, don’t worry, because numbers only measure the height of peaks
and the length of journeys that have begun.  They inform the miles flown,
the recipes perfected, and the dates that matter.  Sizes change, prices go up, but
the most treasured matter is a life of ease.

Assumed is the promise between friends that we will always return to each other. 
We tried to plan our lives, but somebody always changes it.  I’m pretty sure
I’m not fucking it up; surprise keeps it interesting though.  Growth
in a bank account can change a man for a season, but he goes back

because Crazy Eyes and Murph miss him.  Legacy is a fossil
in the hearts we’ve changed.

Everyone has traditions, a place they are part of, faces they recognize, and ways of life
that feel comfortable.  Language differs among kinds…banter always goes—
as does praise when deserved.  Loyalty is assumed and love makes it easier. 
Energy moves us through time.  Breaking into a song that’s rolling through my head
and out my lips…everyone joins in.  

Looks on a face judge the situation more clearly than words.  People cannot lie
in numbers, just as logic, when pointed out, cannot be denied.  Arrangements depend
on attitudes, so remember how he first treated you and he will come back nicer.  
We only look for something when we want it—sometimes it is found
without trying, just listen to strangers.

The doctor will know what the lawyer won’t, but they can both save me
like a kiss after a rough day.  Which came first: the spy or the target?  I want
a respected man to be honest and help make sense of the puzzle—
putting together the present and the past to find the next piece.  Read the signs
and respond.  The heart will always lead to what we want.

The best things are shared and the best insults are true.  But truth exposed humiliates
the liars.  Suckers get pissed and the desperate become dangerous.  The real ones know
the ways.  Feelings and knowledge start and end each day—what continues
in dream worlds are impressions of the focal thoughts that clog and explode
in my mind; I only remember the good ones.

Love is forgiving of all that was, accepting of all that is, and hopeful for everything
that will be.  We know it when our beauty is free, our friendship is generous,
and our failures are funny.  Compete with cars to measure success and use karats
to quantify bliss. But pearls don’t protect and money can’t make us strong, so rely
on a wealth of love when evaluating this life. 

The Taste of Love

Taste is the feeling I get when one of my senses experiences awareness of this physical environment of which I am a part.  There are several types of taste, including food in my mouth, the taste of sound waves against my ear drums, or the glass iPhone screen that my thumbs taste.  People taste my body language and eyes taste everything, sensing each other better than anything else.  One sense of taste that I often tend to forget to pay attention to is the kind of thoughts that I make.  Although many people refuse to believe in a sixth sense and think they can only recognize or control the five original senses they learned in school, it is true that I actually create the thoughts that go through my mind, just as I choose the flavors that go into my mouth.

I often forget or confuse the taste of thoughts, however, because it is easy to experience it as an emotion or mood that I think I do not control.  I must actually use my mind to make every thought I taste.  It sounds daunting at first, but then I realized that I could use this power to control the experience I have of my life.  Just as the other senses in my body help me filter tastes and smells so I can make the enjoyable ones more abundant and avoid the unhappy ones, I can use my emotions to help my mind filter thoughts.  Essentially, I can feel amazing at anytime just by thinking of a good thought, but it is just as easy to get stuck in a cycle of producing bad thoughts and make my experience of life absolutely miserable.

While it is true that I make thoughts myself, most of the time, my mind is not conscious of the creation of them because I am more focused on my bodily sensations.  When I think of life as the making of an artistic work, however, I become very conscious of my mental taste.  I aim to please the sense of imagination just as a chef aims to please taste buds.  I know the types of sights I like, the sounds I like to hear, the touch that feels good, and the types of energy by which I like to be surrounded.  One day, that energy could be loud bass, live DJs and a crowd of 30,000 while, on others, it could be the energy of just me in my apartment with the things, music, and people with whom I prefer to interact.  So, while my physical tastes can have a profound impact on how my body feels, my mental tastes determine my emotional health.  Just as I choose to put healthy food into my body and exercise routinely in order to keep my body functioning properly, I must choose thoughts that keep my soul living happily.

The world has survived because of the love living beings create and live in with themselves and others.  It is essential to be aware that this love must be shared in order to keep the world going into the future.  Until I fully understood this, my misconceptions of love had the to ability to (and did) hurt me, for I did not know exactly what I was looking for.  I even tried to force love with someone who seemed like the definition of the person I could love.  Even after I met my love, it was not until I believed that it could exist in me without the presence of the person I felt it for.  I realized that I would not be able to forge love with anyone, and I would know the real thing when it came.  Now I know what it is to love and be loved.  It is having the taste of love in my mind and letting this taste pick up on the love of others.  I can try to explain what it is I love about another, but the best way is just to say that my sense of love matches theirs.  Our loves recognize each other and our souls want to be mates.

It is important to always keep the taste of love in my heart and also in my mind so that I will recognize real love when it is shared with me and others will always be able to taste the love I share with them.

Covering the Classics

Every time I hear this collaboration, I get goosebumps covering my body, tears in my eyes, and that want-to-dance spirit running through my veins.  I have so much respect for Aretha Franklin, her melodies, and her lyrics but Christina Aguilera, who sings the opening solo in this tribute to Aretha Franklin at the 2011 Grammy Awards, really makes this one with her incredible voice and spirit.  Please enjoy the talent of these women and come back to this anytime you need a little pick-me-up.

Here is another Christina Aguilera cover.  This time she sings James Brown's classic "It's a Man's, Man's, Man's World" at the 2007 Grammy Awards.  I absolutely love her rendition and especially what she does right after the 2:00 mark.  Everything about this performance is killer!

Love Interests

I am currently without a committed romantic relationship and there are many guys out there who I consider as a possible future partner.  There are many things that attract me to these men and once I have showed interest in one or solidified a connection with him by sharing my phone number or making a date, for example, it is hard to get the special someone off of my mind.  It can be very frustrating when the reality does not live up to my expectations and it is challenging to keep faith in the original chemistry I felt when things seem to be moving slow.

I am old-fashioned in that I believe it is a man's job to make the first couple of dates.  I believe a true gentleman should ask the woman he is interested in to dinner, follow up with the plan to ensure it takes place, and treat his lady for the night.  When something in this pattern falls out of line or it does not happen on the timeline that I expect (within a week or two), I immediately assume I did something wrong to turn him away.  It is important, however, to remain secure with my actions and trust that he felt like he could not live up to my standards or he really just does not know how to treat a lady and, in that case, does not live up to my standards.  In both of these cases, I must choose to either let him go or to give up my expectations and make something happen in my own way,  like by asking him to go to dinner instead of waiting for him to take the initiative.  Simply having trust in myself and my standards, however, will ensure that the right one finds me and shows that he wants to keep me.

There are always more great available guys looking for great available gals.  People who are in love always say "when the right one comes along, you just know".  Thus, if a love interest does not feel right, it probably isn't.  It is best to let it go as soon as possible and move on, for it is more likely that I will find the right guy if I am open to a new love rather than if I am down because I am so focused on what an old one didn't like about me.

"Look Into My Eyes"

I love the beat of this song but the lyrics are so powerful, as well.  It's a great reminder of one of the simplest things you can do and how much it can tell you about somebody or even yourself.  "Eyes are the windows to the soul" so look into them deeply and as often as you can.  You will see what is going on inside of yourself, your friends, and the one you love the most by reading eyes.  See the change when you discuss a subject, do something without words, or just think intimately.  They react subconsciously and do not lie.  Therefore, always be sure to tell the truth and go about life with a kind soul so that others will see this when they look into your eyes.

Patience

Time is God's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

As much as I wish I could develop a dream and watch it happen instantaneously, waiting for my dreams to be made real is what life is all about.  Keeping on the track that will lead me toward my dreams is the most difficult part, but it is all worth it when something magical happens.  Sometimes, it feels easier to just give up and move on to something else, but being patient is what ultimately brings the best feelings.  The most exciting dream I have is to fall and stay in love.  But even the bible says, "Love is patient" (1 Corinthians 13:4).  I do not want to rush the plan God has for me and the vision I have for myself.  I am living happily in a dream that I had in the past, so as long as I know my desires and I have begun to put them into action, I must just sit back and wait.  In the meantime, I must keep living the dream I have made for myself and have faith that my wishes for the future will come true when the time is right.  The best way, I find, to forget about what isn't happening is to focus on what is.  So get busy and keep dreaming!

Words I Love

This quote reminds me to let the world see the real me, for this is the part of me that is worth loving. 

Be Love to Find It

Sometimes I feel like I am going on a mission, setting out to find love.  The actual realization of love, however, manifests itself when I am not thinking about finding love but am, in fact, showing love myself.  Love is what I am, it's what made me, and it's what will bring meaning to my life.  Every experience I have and every person I encounter is the result of the decisions I've made in the past and the goals I have for the future.  For example, if I have recently given a part of me to someone else and I continue to have the goal of giving, I will unexpectedly receive things from others that make me happier.  In order to receive, however, I must understand the feeling of giving so that I can genuinely respond to everything I receive.  Giving itself is a happy experience, so essentially, having a goal of happiness is manifested by the act and value of giving out of a place of happiness.  I like to constantly remind myself of the love and happiness I want so that I remember to show love and give to others first.

love Lost can be Found again

Being happy for the people that have left me was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.  When someone you love no longer loves you, you have to let them go.  But in addition, you have to be able to talk to, see, and think about that person without feeling bitter.  Honestly, I think time apart is the best way to accomplish this.  I have literally had to remove myself from all situations in which I could encounter these people.  Being apart has made me realize that I do not regret anything I did or felt for anyone, but that I do not need them to live a happy life.  New people are just around the corner and if I want to find love in them, I must let go of the love I felt for the others.  The past has passed and I have moved on just as much as my old loves have, even though I have not found someone special to move on with.  I think this is the result of keeping feelings of hope in ended relationships when I should have just moved forward with all of my love into the next object of my affection.

This realization makes me feel more lovable, even though I definitely feel vulnerable since all of my love is back in me and not relying on others.  I have come to understand that if I want to be happy, I need to do it for myself, not to make others jealous so they want me back.  Now that I am happy with myself and I know how much love I have to give, I need to be patient and wait for God to bring somebody who is worthy of all of my love into my life.