Loving Myself

It is my belief that life on this planet revolves around love. Love is the most powerful force that exists. It is responsible for the happiest feelings I have ever experienced as well as the deepest pain I have ever felt. Whether or not I am sharing love with a special man at any given point, however, love can always be felt. Of course, there is love for parents and siblings, friends and pets, and even for shoes and cities. But the most enduring manifestation of love is the love I have for myself.

Having just moved into my very own apartment in New York City and starting my career in real estate, I have been experiencing certain moments in which I feel like I am living in a dream. My life looks and feels like something I had envisioned long ago, and it is hard to believe that it is my reality. From spending long hours at work to hanging out with friends in different places around the city and even time alone in my apartment, I am happy because I am whole.

I have realized that the one constant in all of these very unlike situations that take place during my days is the woman who is generating thoughts and making decisions each and every second. She is smiling, crying, thinking, and laughing; but at all times, she is in love with who she is. Yes, many others love things about her too. And it is her ultimate wish that a man will appear when the timing is right to build an everlasting connection rooted in the deepest core of the heart. Ultimately, however, it is this woman whom I call myself that I must be and stay in love with.

Moving On

The summer of 2014 is almost a memory, and as I sit down to reflect on the lessons that I have learned about living in "the real world," I feel complete gratitude for the transformation that I have undergone over the past 10 weeks. It all started after I graduated from college and moved home to rural New Jersey. Living with my family again, working in Florida for several weeks, spending time with my grandparents who are another year closer to the end of their lives, letting go of unhealthy relationships, taking a vacation to the beach in Rhode Island, continuing to spend time at Lake George—all of these experiences have given me opportunities to grow closer to the people I love and to appreciate the beauty in the world that I had forgotten to simply enjoy.

It occurred to me that in order to move on with the life I had into a new life that I love even more, I needed to do a little soul searching. What I found deep down was that I was scared. Fear is a natural part of the emotional realm that humans experience, and without fear, most of us would likely be dead. Fears develop as a defense mechanism to change our behavior, preventing us from doing things that could hurt or kill. Oftentimes, we develop fears of emotions because we have had our feelings hurt in the past and that experience caused us to suffer. I, for example, have been terrified to open my heart and love. This fear of feeling the emotion of love with a man is the result of being emotionally abandoned by my father. My fear of being hurt caused me to build walls around my heart that served as shields to the love that was being given to me and preventing me from openly giving my love.

Ultimately, however, observing my fear and understanding it completely has taken me out of the fear. When I can view it from the outside, it is no longer the force that drives my thoughts and choices. Once I got out of my fear, I started to see how much love I have in me. All I want to do now is share my love and find it in others. This has made me an incredibly happy human.

I have realized that being unattached to everything and letting myself just be present in the current moment is the most freeing sensation I have ever felt. It feels like everything I do, everywhere I go, and everyone with whom I interact is showing me that life is meant to be lived in happiness and love; and fears are just a part of life that arise to protect us. Being scared is not the way to live life, so we must not allow our fears to control us. Instead, we are here on this planet to feel what it is like to be alive. There are so many things to be grateful for in this world, and choosing to fester in fear is merely a habit.

I have decided to quit living by my fears; rather, I want to make loving memories that stay in my heart forever.

I absolutely love the natural world, I am crazy in love with these creatures similar to me called human beings, there are interesting animals sharing their lives on this earth with us, and the most amazing thing is when it all comes together to make beautiful moments in time.

It is time for this gal to stop being scared to sink and to simply hold on to the hope that my purpose on this planet is to find love, beauty, and happiness among all of the fear, pain, and suffering that exists.

Reflection

When I started this blog two years ago, I was lost and wanted to be found. My life since I had finished high school two years before that had been a whirlwind. From college craziness to heartbreak at home, I felt like I was rushing through life with my head cut off from my body.  Fear, stress, and hormones drove every decision and creation I could control, from who I would spend time with to what I would wear and eat each day.

Now as I approach my graduation from college, I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the past: the decisions I have made, the people who I have held onto and let go of, and the girl who continues to control each an every thought and movement. In these last four years, I have experienced the happiest and most loving moments thus far in my life as well as the deepest sadness I never even imagined was possible to feel. As I reflect on this period of my life, the only way I can describe it is like an emotional cyclone. After countless hours spent talking to friends, family, my trusted sound healer, and most importantly, my self, I have come to realize the reason I had to go through all of the high and low spikes—what I have learned is that life is an everlasting sea of waves, and the only way to keep from crashing is to remain anchored to love.

I have drifted and crashed more times than I can even remember, and each time I do something regretful, I try to mend the brokenness that caused me to drift from my mooring. My rope has a lot of knots in it, and I want to replace this line with something strong that will keep me tied to the woman I have created to live in this next part of my life.

The old me who started this blog would be asking a million questions right about now to try to find the way back to my tiny little anchor when I am seemingly lost at sea. Will I ever find my old anchor? Where can I go to get a new one? Who should I pay to make a better rope for me? And if my rope breaks again, can I be happy if I tie up to someone else who is anchored ? Or, can we be happy just drifting around the world together in these final days of our lives? Though I still cannot answer these questions with absolute confidence, I am certain about one thing: hope is the anchor of the soul, and it will always remain grounded in the goodness of the Earth.

The line we each attach to our anchors is really just a temporary fixation that keeps us attached to safety. No matter how strong you think your rope is, there will always be storms that come along and wither it away. Having faith in God's love, however, is a permanent anchor that does not even physically exist. The line is made of faith, and this line of faith is what I have ultimately found will keep me attached to a secure and enduring love that is sure to save me from anything.

Regardless of who enters or leaves my physical life, I will always rest assured that God has a plan for my vessel. And sometimes, breaking my rope is His way of giving me freedom from an anchor that was holding me back from encountering a better place. From this boat, I can try to make sure that my knot is tied strong and my line is unbroken, but when I look down to see my anchor, all I will see is my reflection. So the best thing to do is to trust in the system, and focus on being happy with the person you see on the water.

A Little Girl's Daddy

As little girls, Daddy is the figure we look to love.  We watch him love Mommy, and we dream of having a man just like him.  The traits that Daddy possesses are the ones girls look for when we start looking for our own man to love.

Unfortunately, not all girls are lucky enough to have a father who openly loves.  Some men marry women for their money, thinking her parents will support the family and he will not have to work to provide.  Some men cheat on their wives, thinking that she is enjoying herself on vacation with the kids and won't notice the lingerie his prostitute left in his wife's armoire.  Some men also have perverted and violent tendencies.  These can be taken out on both wives and children.

When a girl has a dad who possesses traits like the ones described above, these are what she instinctually looks for in a mate.  These are men that hurt her, however, and leave her feeling as wounded as her mother felt by the soulless treatment of her father.

As a girl with a poor father, I have found that it is important to recognize this fact and make a point to seek a man who possesses traits that my father does not, as unnatural as that may feel at first.  I never want to suffer the abandonment, fear, or hopelessness that women who marry devilish men experience.  Most importantly, however, I will do everything in my power to ensure that my children have parents who serve as role models.

Nobody can fake being a father.  Therefore, a man who lacks the character of a true gentleman does not deserve the privilege of having a little girl in his life, even if he has already created her.

A Brief History of Me

As a fifteen year-old girl finishing my freshman year of high school at a public school in Littleton, Colorado, I entered the summer of 2007 with excitement.  I was, as usual, traveling to my house on Lake George in upstate New York to spend two months playing on the water with the family and friends who I have known and loved since before I can remember memories.  My dad would visit for two weeks (one at the beginning and one at the end), and I couldn’t be more excited.  I could feel that something was going to be great about this summer, and I was right.  I had the most fun I had ever had with my friends, but I also noticed a change in the relationship of my parents.  I assumed things would go back to normal when we returned home to Colorado.   But weird things continued to happen.  After a couple weeks of being home, my parents broke the news to my brothers and I that they were getting a divorce.  I will never forget this day, for it is a day that changed me forever.  About a month later, I was touring private schools in New Jersey and staying at the house of the man who will be marrying my mother this coming fall, six years later.  Basically, my last year in Colorado was a blur of partying, playing lacrosse, and making memories with my friends (most of who were going off to college).  I lived two years in New Jersey and pretty much hated every minute of it.  I hardly saw my dad, who stayed in Colorado, and I felt extremely lonely. 

When I flew down to Texas to start my freshman year at SMU, I was even more excited than when I went to Lake George three summers before.  I knew I was going to meet incredible people, have amazing experiences, and learn so much about the world.  What I didn’t expect, however, was how much I was about to learn about myself.  I always knew I was a good student, but being surrounded by friends who just wanted to pass their classes made me question why I cared so much about grades.  I kept up a 4.0 for two semesters, but there were so many other things I could be doing, like hanging out with my friends, trying new restaurants, and going on long walks around the beautiful sidewalks of Highland Park.  I got involved in clubs, sports, and Greek life; and I was happier than I had been since I had left Colorado.  I even got to see my dad a couple of times that year. 

One weekend when most of my friends were out of town, I was sitting on my futon with a friend of mine who is very religious.  Casey was the one in my group of friends who partied without drinking and who could always be counted on to put together the stories that none of us remembered in the mornings after going out.  Although I had gone to church every Sunday in elementary school, my family began skiing on Sundays when club lacrosse games started taking place on Saturdays in middle school.  After my family got out of the habit of going to church regularly, we even stopped going on holidays like Christmas and Easter.  During my time in school in New Jersey, I noticed my interest in spiritual things when I had a Buddhist minister as one of my teachers.  We often mediated during class, and I read a lot of books about enlightenment.  The universe always fascinated me; and on this weekend when I was alone with Casey, I began to ask him questions about Jesus.  He answered them all as best as he could, and he even encouraged me to go to church with him.  I went a couple of times, and something strange happened.  I would uncontrollably cry as soon as the pastor began speaking.  Opening my dialogue with God again was another turning point in my life that has changed me forever.

My sophomore year at SMU was the time in my life that I hit rock bottom.  I was no longer seeing or speaking to my father, I had my heart broken by a boy I thought I had loved, and my friends seemed to stop caring about hanging out with me (probably because I was so depressing to be around at this point).  I decided I needed to make a change, and I did.  First, I started a blog.  To this day, it is a place where I can express myself.  It felt good to put my feelings out there even though it is likely that nobody ever came across it.  I went through about a year of extreme sadness during which I would just cry.  I didn’t know what was hurting me, and I was so far from my family that they didn’t notice I was struggling.  Luckily, a couple of good friends listened to me and helped me determine the root of my pain: my dad.  I didn’t understand why we had completely lost touch and how a parent could show so little care for a child.  I had been coping with this loss by creating a hard exterior around my heart.  While I did this as a defense mechanism to hold onto the love that my father had given me in the past, it hurt me even more because it kept new love from going in.  Breaking down this wall and becoming vulnerable was a long process, but I knew that I still had a strong anchor to my other family and friends.

Letting go of my dad as a person who I loved was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I still find the whole situation very sad.  But I have gained strength in learning how to live my life without allowing others to control my feelings.  I have also developed an understanding about myself to a degree that I never thought I could.  One thing that helped me through this time was rediscovering my faith in God.  I don’t go to church often, but I pray and write to Him any time I feel unsure, weak, or sad.  I also read the Bible for answers in times of desperation, and I thank God for everything as often as I can.  God is what I love most because He is the foundation on which I have rebuilt my life. 

My dream since my first trip to New York City when I was ten has been to live and work in the city that never sleeps.  I plan to move there as soon as I graduate and pursue a career in real estate.  Somewhere along the way, I hope I meet and marry the man of my dreams.  I also want to have a family of my own and travel all over the world.  My greatest moments of joy are experiences with my friends and family.  The feeling of bonding with these people over games, laughter, and stories is more fulfilling than anything else in the world.  I am equally fascinated by experiences with nature, such as watching shooting stars dart across the sky or seeing the colors that a sunrise creates on the lake.  These phenomena fascinate me because of their beauty that God created.  I always try to be aware and grateful for nature as much as I am for my loved ones. 

The main things I value in life are honesty, loyalty, and love.  I believe that being honest about who you are and are not is important in relationships, for I care about people enough to let them know who I genuinely am and I appreciate when they reciprocate by showing me their true selves.  Loyalty is essential in being honest and ensuring that you do not hurt people who you care about and who care for you.  Lastly, I believe that life begins with love, and the purpose of life is to love and feel loved.  It is the basis of all desires and great memories, and it is what will keep us happy and alive as a race.  In fact, I believe that everything in “life” is an allusion of what we choose to think, see, hear, smell, touch, and feel both physically and emotionally.  Therefore, after my body dies, I believe my soul will enter a heavenly realm where all good souls go to enjoy each other for eternity without the fears, struggles, and insecurities of the physical realm.  I am not a perfect person and I never want to be.  I only want to be of service to those I can help, always be exploring ways to improve life, and never stop loving those for whom I care the most.

Lake House

It is one of those perfect August days—sunny and warm with a light layer of clouds to keep the heat from being too hot on the skin.  I woke up late; and currently, I am at my house on the southern point of Forest Bay.  I am sitting on a deck with Lake George at three and nine o'clock, and the houses I have lived in every summer for my whole life to my front and back.  When I look around, I can't help but see memories, people, and interactions that I have encountered in this area of the world over my years.  I even see the people whose faces I know from photographs of them sitting in these chairs.  They were on this porch, holding cocktails, when the love and laughter was created.  Chit-chat and gossip with cousins and neighbors, all about each other—I love that I am a part of this, and I know that we will have this place to return to each other for all the rest of our days.

To be twenty-one, a Senior in college, and almost living on my own, the experiences with my best friends and family take place less often.  We used to see each other every day from the moments we woke up until as late as we could pass out.  Whether it was curfews reeling us in at twelve in the evening or the booze knocking us out just after the sun rose, I have seen and lived the most beautiful things in life at this place.  I am grateful for the ever present rumble of a speedboat in the distance, laughter from children across the bay, and waves splashing against the rocks.  These are the sensory experiences that let me know that I am safe, at home.

This is a place I know; it is a place I love.

Time to Think

I have spent the last week up in the mountains of Taos, New Mexico, learning about the history and culture while living a much more rural life than I am accustomed to.  While the air is pure and dry, living in a place without paved roads means there is dirt all around me.  My body has also felt fried from being in the dry heat of the days.  In my effort to find a balance in my altered lifestyle here, my sleep and water intake have increased significantly in order to support the exhaustion of my body.  This combination has had an impact on my mind, for I have never felt so clear headed and free in my thoughts.  My dreams have even been making sense out of issues that have been bothersome in my life for a long time.  Because there is very little to do here and very few people who I desire to get to know, I have really let go of thinking about what to do next.  Rather, my thoughts flow around and I act when one feels right.

Letting myself just be in this place is refreshing.  At the same time, however, there are moments when I have the urge to breakthrough an idea and create something to fill a piece of me that I feel is still missing.  With one more week to spend in Taos, I will make a conscious effort to pay attention to my thoughts and look for a common thread that continually weaves its way through my mind.  I want to actively pursue my passion in this lifetime, but first, I must have a clear vision and purpose for what I want to spend my time in this world doing.

                                                      {~ listen to your heart ~}                                                      

Lose to Gain

At several times in my life, I felt that I was losing things that I thought belonged to me.  I thought that because I had obtained what I wanted temporarily, the presence of this thing would keep manifesting itself in my life and continue to make me happy.  After losing things that I thought I would have forever, however, I realized that I have to keep working to gain things but also work to keep the things I have already gained.  It is essential to progress in life in order to obtain and keep everything that makes me happy in my life and to ensure that everything I have in my life continues to make me happy.

I never want to feel like I have everything because that is the point when I will stop focusing on my "keeps" and begin noticing everything I lose.  Although I lose things all the time, working towards new gains helps me move on and stop missing the stuff that gets lost.  To me, life is about winning some of the things you want and trying not to lose the things you have already worked to win.

Gaining both vulnerability and confidence was a huge step in my life because I allowed my mind to search myself for things I have lost and to discover new things about myself.  I became okay with opening up into my thoughts and memories, even the darkest ones that I had tried to hide from my mind for years, because I was confident that I could use the things I found buried deep within my heart to help fix whatever it was that kept leading me to lose things that were important to me.  It was not until I noticed that I kept losing things, however, that I let myself be vulnerable to change and become confident in the person that had grown out of every thought, feeling, and experience I revisited.  I gained a surer sense of the things I wanted to have in my life and I decided what I needed to help me make my place in the world a good one. 

Although my dreams often seem unreachable under current circumstances, I make them that way so that I will never feel like I have gained everything.  If a day comes when all of my personal dreams have come true or I cannot seem to create a better dream for myself at that moment, I will make my dream to help others reach their dreams.  There will always be people with goals they have not reached, so there is always something to work toward in this world. 

"It Takes Courage and Character to Care"

I highly recommend this film to anyone looking for somewhere to go, something to feel, or some reason to cry.  From the story to the acting, this movie goes deep into the heart and pulls out the root of human suffering.  The plot is extremely emotional but changed my perspective on teachers, inner-city public schools, and people in desperate need who choose not to help themselves.  A truly great watch!

Breathe in, Breathe out

When my emotions get really heavy on my heart, it aches.  My eyes burst with tears and I breathe out heavily as I release my sobs and wail like a baby.  Instinctively, I breathe in again, but my heart shakes until air reaches the deepest core of my chest.  The process repeats itself until some internal force of hope tells my mind to pull my body off of the ground and look for something good, even if I must look into a mirror and stare at my eyes to see that there is goodness in the present and happiness in the future, regardless of the misery in the past that caused such a breakdown.

When I think about life as a physical experience during a very emotional moment, I realize that emotions are as natural to life as the respiratory, urinary, and digestive systems are for the body.  It is essential to listen to my body tell me what to do each and every second of the present: when to eat, when to sleep, and when to use the restroom.  However, all of these things are simple behaviors that all animals must learn in order to survive.  Humans learn best when our emotions are involved, which we are taught about as kids but do not actually learn until we experience them for ourselves.  Emotions analyze experiences from the past and determine which behaviors should be repeated based on the ones that brought about the most pleasurable outcomes.  For example, after a certain age, a kid will be made fun of and feel embarrassed if she cannot control her bladder.  Her emotional pain will teach her to change her physical behavior and hold her bladder until she can find a restroom.  Similarly, a child who receives praise from his teachers and parents on a well-done project will link positive emotions to working hard and, therefore, will likely strive to succeed in an effort to bring more pleasurable feelings into his life.  Essentially, our emotions are what teach us to survive and lead us to the things we accomplish.  So, this phenomenon referred to as life is really a mixture of the body combining with the emotions to make humans physical beings of mental creation.

Just as the body is free to breath whenever it wants, I try to be honest with my emotions because that is part of letting my spirit be free.  I love going to the edge of my emotional capacity where my mind's eye can clearly see what I am feeling and what is causing me to have these feelings.  I also have to let myself dig for things that my mind has been suppressing in order to release my entire spirit.  It is in these "emotional places" of truth and freedom that I am vulnerable—things I may not have ever thought stand out and I understand the experiences in my life.  From these findings, I create ways to make changes in my life, fix problems, and produce amazing work.

The truth about life is that there is always good and there is always bad, but they are all just part of life.  As John Mayer puts it, "You're going to have at least one moment a week where you don't feel right.  But maybe it won't feel so wrong if you know it's supposed to happen."  Sometimes one extreme seems more abundant and one seems absent.  In these emotionally heavy times, I take a moment to forget about all emotion and just focus on the bodies version of the present, which is the breath.  I can change my emotional perspective from negative to positive, renew my hope, and move my attention towards the positive pieces that make up the whole, leaving the negative pieces untouched and unnoticed, like the last slices of pie after a filling Thanksgiving dinner.

Just smile and breathe...everything is going to be alright.

Poem Inspired by Adam Sandler as Mr. Deeds

A Lesson in Measuring Worth

“Work is just a challenge,” the old man says excitedly.  And business is a pleasure.
When stocks plunge, don’t worry, because numbers only measure the height of peaks
and the length of journeys that have begun.  They inform the miles flown,
the recipes perfected, and the dates that matter.  Sizes change, prices go up, but
the most treasured matter is a life of ease.

Assumed is the promise between friends that we will always return to each other. 
We tried to plan our lives, but somebody always changes it.  I’m pretty sure
I’m not fucking it up; surprise keeps it interesting though.  Growth
in a bank account can change a man for a season, but he goes back

because Crazy Eyes and Murph miss him.  Legacy is a fossil
in the hearts we’ve changed.

Everyone has traditions, a place they are part of, faces they recognize, and ways of life
that feel comfortable.  Language differs among kinds…banter always goes—
as does praise when deserved.  Loyalty is assumed and love makes it easier. 
Energy moves us through time.  Breaking into a song that’s rolling through my head
and out my lips…everyone joins in.  

Looks on a face judge the situation more clearly than words.  People cannot lie
in numbers, just as logic, when pointed out, cannot be denied.  Arrangements depend
on attitudes, so remember how he first treated you and he will come back nicer.  
We only look for something when we want it—sometimes it is found
without trying, just listen to strangers.

The doctor will know what the lawyer won’t, but they can both save me
like a kiss after a rough day.  Which came first: the spy or the target?  I want
a respected man to be honest and help make sense of the puzzle—
putting together the present and the past to find the next piece.  Read the signs
and respond.  The heart will always lead to what we want.

The best things are shared and the best insults are true.  But truth exposed humiliates
the liars.  Suckers get pissed and the desperate become dangerous.  The real ones know
the ways.  Feelings and knowledge start and end each day—what continues
in dream worlds are impressions of the focal thoughts that clog and explode
in my mind; I only remember the good ones.

Love is forgiving of all that was, accepting of all that is, and hopeful for everything
that will be.  We know it when our beauty is free, our friendship is generous,
and our failures are funny.  Compete with cars to measure success and use karats
to quantify bliss. But pearls don’t protect and money can’t make us strong, so rely
on a wealth of love when evaluating this life. 

The Taste of Love

Taste is the feeling I get when one of my senses experiences awareness of this physical environment of which I am a part.  There are several types of taste, including food in my mouth, the taste of sound waves against my ear drums, or the glass iPhone screen that my thumbs taste.  People taste my body language and eyes taste everything, sensing each other better than anything else.  One sense of taste that I often tend to forget to pay attention to is the kind of thoughts that I make.  Although many people refuse to believe in a sixth sense and think they can only recognize or control the five original senses they learned in school, it is true that I actually create the thoughts that go through my mind, just as I choose the flavors that go into my mouth.

I often forget or confuse the taste of thoughts, however, because it is easy to experience it as an emotion or mood that I think I do not control.  I must actually use my mind to make every thought I taste.  It sounds daunting at first, but then I realized that I could use this power to control the experience I have of my life.  Just as the other senses in my body help me filter tastes and smells so I can make the enjoyable ones more abundant and avoid the unhappy ones, I can use my emotions to help my mind filter thoughts.  Essentially, I can feel amazing at anytime just by thinking of a good thought, but it is just as easy to get stuck in a cycle of producing bad thoughts and make my experience of life absolutely miserable.

While it is true that I make thoughts myself, most of the time, my mind is not conscious of the creation of them because I am more focused on my bodily sensations.  When I think of life as the making of an artistic work, however, I become very conscious of my mental taste.  I aim to please the sense of imagination just as a chef aims to please taste buds.  I know the types of sights I like, the sounds I like to hear, the touch that feels good, and the types of energy by which I like to be surrounded.  One day, that energy could be loud bass, live DJs and a crowd of 30,000 while, on others, it could be the energy of just me in my apartment with the things, music, and people with whom I prefer to interact.  So, while my physical tastes can have a profound impact on how my body feels, my mental tastes determine my emotional health.  Just as I choose to put healthy food into my body and exercise routinely in order to keep my body functioning properly, I must choose thoughts that keep my soul living happily.

The world has survived because of the love living beings create and live in with themselves and others.  It is essential to be aware that this love must be shared in order to keep the world going into the future.  Until I fully understood this, my misconceptions of love had the to ability to (and did) hurt me, for I did not know exactly what I was looking for.  I even tried to force love with someone who seemed like the definition of the person I could love.  Even after I met my love, it was not until I believed that it could exist in me without the presence of the person I felt it for.  I realized that I would not be able to forge love with anyone, and I would know the real thing when it came.  Now I know what it is to love and be loved.  It is having the taste of love in my mind and letting this taste pick up on the love of others.  I can try to explain what it is I love about another, but the best way is just to say that my sense of love matches theirs.  Our loves recognize each other and our souls want to be mates.

It is important to always keep the taste of love in my heart and also in my mind so that I will recognize real love when it is shared with me and others will always be able to taste the love I share with them.

Commitment

Sometimes I think that committing to a decision is hard.  But really, the difficulty of a decision depends on the amount of change the decision will generate in my life.  Picking out what to order as an entree at dinner will affect how I feel for the next few hours and can make a difference in my weight if I indulge a little too much (or too little).  These are things that are important to me, but I make these decisions daily and have gotten pretty good at knowing which ones make me feel good and which I feel less confident about or regret afterwards.

Then, there are decisions like what to get tattooed onto my body.  This decision will be with me for the rest of my life and is public for anyone who notices to recognize and judge.  With such a big decision comes fear that in 50 years, I will not feel the love that I feel for it in this moment.  There is also fear that people I love will love me less because of it.  In the end, though, this is a choice that I made and must live with.  Because I love it, the people who truly love me will love that it makes me happy.  I must be secure in my relationships to trust the opinions of the people I love and to care what they think but I also must be secure enough with myself to ensure that nobody can change the way I feel about something that only affects my life and body.

Another commitment that can be scary is a romantic one in which love and official "titles" are involved.  Heartbreak and betrayal are the worst feelings I have ever experienced and both of these are possible outcomes of committing to love another person.  I know that I can always leave this person if I become unhappy, but it is scary to be vulnerable to them, for they have the ability to break my heart if I am happy and they leave me or find someone else to be happier with.  Every relationship, even those that are contracted in marriage, can be hurtful, but this pain is something I am willing to risk if it means I can be happy at the current time.  Having learned to be happy by myself gives me the comfort that I can be happy with someone but will also be able to remain happy without them if either one of us chooses to end the relationship.

It is always better to share happiness and have someone share theirs with me.  Therefore, I am committing to being open to commitment.  I do not want to rush into a commitment nor do I want to force one that doesn't feel right; but I also do not want to turn down an opportunity that could lead to something amazing.  Other than a tattoo, every thing else in life should be decided based on what feels right in the moment.  If my favorite food sounds terrible one day, I don't have to eat it just because I already made a commitment that I love that food.  If a relationship becomes stale or causes frustration and stress, I can try to fix it; but I must be willing to go back to being happy on my own if the other person in the relationship does not put in the same effort as I do.  At the same time, though, I must have faith in every decision I make and hope for the best in every relationship I form.

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." ~Hebrews 6:19

HOW TO: Be Happy

Bringing happiness into my heart starts in my eyes, moves down my cheeks, and shows itself by my smile.  When I envision things, people, words, and moments that I love, my heart tingles and my eyes light up and force my cheeks to push out.  I can't get this feeling thinking about anything negative, annoying, weird, or stupid.  I really only feel this way when I am living out a dream or goal and being aware of myself in the moment.  It makes me feel good to share these things.  I can express myself through the things I do and the words I write, but I can also express myself through my features and the way I hold myself.  The way I carry my head, the way my hips sway, and the straightness of my posture affect the way I feel and the way the world understands my feelings.

Love is strong and the reason for keeping everything in alignment is to feel good so the world will know it and will let me feel their love, in return.  The point of being happy is to attract people who are also happy, and together, we can be happier than either one of us could be by ourselves.  It is such an exciting feeling that I never want to go away, but if it does slip out of my consciousness for a time, I know the way to get it back is to focus on what makes me feel the best.  Putting good food into my body, stretching and getting the sore areas massaged away, and surrounding myself with people that respect me and my values are so important, regardless of where I am and what I look like.  As long as my body and relationships are strong and healthy, there is beauty shining from the inside out.  Anyone who wants to look can see it in plain view.  My goal is to show my happiness to everyone and the ones who are happy will stick with me and the ones who want to be happy will seek me.  Those who are not and do not want or try to be happy are people who I do not wish to be around and they will be the ones who are turned off and annoyed by my happiness.  I will not change for them just as I do not expect them to change for me.  Everything that happens to us is created internally.  The best thing to do is to focus on creating happy everything—moments, people, situations, etc. and then once found, keep them going.

Best of luck :)

Patience

Time is God's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

As much as I wish I could develop a dream and watch it happen instantaneously, waiting for my dreams to be made real is what life is all about.  Keeping on the track that will lead me toward my dreams is the most difficult part, but it is all worth it when something magical happens.  Sometimes, it feels easier to just give up and move on to something else, but being patient is what ultimately brings the best feelings.  The most exciting dream I have is to fall and stay in love.  But even the bible says, "Love is patient" (1 Corinthians 13:4).  I do not want to rush the plan God has for me and the vision I have for myself.  I am living happily in a dream that I had in the past, so as long as I know my desires and I have begun to put them into action, I must just sit back and wait.  In the meantime, I must keep living the dream I have made for myself and have faith that my wishes for the future will come true when the time is right.  The best way, I find, to forget about what isn't happening is to focus on what is.  So get busy and keep dreaming!

Relax

Sometimes, I feel like I need to spend a week just relaxing so my body and mind can catch up with the business of my life.  Spending time with family and friends, doing activities like yoga, hiking, and swimming, and just letting myself be without any worries distracting me from recharging can give me a renewed sense of balance that allows me to keep moving forward into new chapters or even just onto the next page of my life.  After becoming fully relaxed, a time comes when I begin to reflect on my future goals and make plans that will ensure I achieve my desires.  I am lucky to be a student on summer vacation with time for all of this and to have a lovely summer home that is the perfect place to forget the world and focus on myself.  I am so thankful for all that I have been given and I am proud of all that I have accomplished.  I want to ensure that I always have this feeling, so I plan to journal into the evening and for the next week until I am set on what I want.  I am ready to go for it and make all of my dreams come true, I just want to make sure I have a clear vision of what they are first.

Sweet dreams!

Attracting Things I Want

I have heard many ways of going about getting what I want, but here is what I have found works best.  Implementing plans are essential, but timing is crucial.  Plans often tend to have an expected outcome; but, we must first be able to feel when the time is right to implement the plan in order to ensure that the expected outcome will be the result.  Also, it is essential to keep a picture of the desired outcome in our minds before we carry out the plan, while we are executing it, and after the plan is implemented.  We must never lose faith in the outcome (that is, unless it explicitly fails because of some unforeseen external force).  For example, buying tickets to a concert and planning to go with a crush can be very exciting for weeks leading up to the event.  However, in the event that said crush's grandma gets sick, has to go to the hospital, and get surgery, there is clearly an external force signaling that the time is not right for us to go on this date.  Without losing faith that the show would still be great fun, though, it is possible to have an even better time than expected and to meet a person that may end up being better for me than my original date.  I cannot say with absolute certainty that either guy is right for me in the long-run, but I do know that I had fun in the short-run because of my long-run goal that I created before the concert in which I envisioned having tons of fun.  If I always keep the future in my mind while I enjoy the present, there will be many more presents to come in my future.

Just think about what it is that you want and then wait for it to happen.  You will know when the right time has come, and you will be happy about the results of experiences in your life.

Tragedy

It shakes up our feelings when things seem perfect one night before you go to sleep and when you wake up, the world has been changed by a horrific tragedy of mankind.  We are all aware of national tragedies, thanks to the dominance of social and news media combining to make a sphere in which most people in our community participate.  Knowledge is power, but hearing about real devastation that is going on in the world can  make me want to completely give up control and hide, like evil wants us to do.  But during times when we have all just witnessed the tragedy of evil taking over man, it is heart wrenching.  I can truly imagine being in the midst of high-death tragedies myself, due to my close proximity to several tragedies in the past.  When a tragedy occurs, it is important to face it immediately and reevaluate the things that we all choose to live for.  Living to be happy and to love others is a common goal shared by the masses.  Although few, there are people out in this world who live to kill.  It is incomprehensible to people like me and you, but when they show themselves by carrying out their plots of killing the masses, we must not fear these creatures.  Instead, we must contain them and ensure that our generation does not let such people go unnoticed for the future generations that follow.  We must learn from history, and today is another moment in history that we must face immediately and learn from in order to prevent other innocent people from falling victim to those who have a mistaken view of life and their purpose on this earth.

May those twelve killed in the Aurora, Colorado movie theater during the Dark Knight Rises movie premier on this day, Friday, July 20, 2012, rest in peace and may the families of the victims continue to live in peace and happiness while never forgetting the loved ones they lost on this day.


God bless.

"Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So, we'll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A Dark Knight."

Motivate with Dreams

The dream each of us has for ourselves is incredibly important, for that dream is what shapes our presents.  While it is important to enjoy the dream we are currently living, we must not lose sight of our ultimate purpose.  It is what leads us when we are lost and what motivates us to get up and live each day to its fullest.  In order to reach a dream, we must set smaller goals.  Accomplishing each small goal brings feelings of achievement which make us feel successful and happy because we are one step closer to our dream.  Dreading any step that brings us closer toward living our dreams is like denying that there will be hardships along the path of life.  We can still remain happy people through these hardships as long as we remember that they are necessary in order to get to a better place in our lives.  Most importantly, never give up on a dream because it seems too big.  Anything can happen to anyone who wants it and works to reach it.  Whether shooting to go to the moon or aiming to understand basic human connections, all of us have dreams that we can make happen so long as we create the journey that will get us there.

~sweet dreams~

Following Passion

Passion is one of those abstract concepts that we learn about as children but don't truly know until we get older.  There are so many things I am passionate about and I want to be sure never to lose any of this passion.  Yes, one day I will have to choose one to focus on and pursue in order to make a living, but it is important to keep everything I am passionate about in my life.  From eclectic coffee mugs to art and music to reading, writing, or even long walks in a beautiful place, there are so many things in this world that fill me with passion.  Blogging has become a passion because my blog is a place where I can release my feelings to the world, without anyone having to see unless they happen to find me.  I love sharing the things I have learned through my experience and I hope that one day people find me when in an abstract place of not knowing what to do.  I even go back and read my posts when I am in need of some inspiration.  Living happily seems to be everybody's goal and yet so many people find it so difficult.  I was like this for so long but have come through and found what I want in this life.  People, places, and activities that I love have come into my life either by chance or by choice, but the ones I love are still here.  I want to keep following these passions as long as I live, for they are what give meaning to my legacy and happiness to my life.