Reflection

When I started this blog two years ago, I was lost and wanted to be found. My life since I had finished high school two years before that had been a whirlwind. From college craziness to heartbreak at home, I felt like I was rushing through life with my head cut off from my body.  Fear, stress, and hormones drove every decision and creation I could control, from who I would spend time with to what I would wear and eat each day.

Now as I approach my graduation from college, I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the past: the decisions I have made, the people who I have held onto and let go of, and the girl who continues to control each an every thought and movement. In these last four years, I have experienced the happiest and most loving moments thus far in my life as well as the deepest sadness I never even imagined was possible to feel. As I reflect on this period of my life, the only way I can describe it is like an emotional cyclone. After countless hours spent talking to friends, family, my trusted sound healer, and most importantly, my self, I have come to realize the reason I had to go through all of the high and low spikes—what I have learned is that life is an everlasting sea of waves, and the only way to keep from crashing is to remain anchored to love.

I have drifted and crashed more times than I can even remember, and each time I do something regretful, I try to mend the brokenness that caused me to drift from my mooring. My rope has a lot of knots in it, and I want to replace this line with something strong that will keep me tied to the woman I have created to live in this next part of my life.

The old me who started this blog would be asking a million questions right about now to try to find the way back to my tiny little anchor when I am seemingly lost at sea. Will I ever find my old anchor? Where can I go to get a new one? Who should I pay to make a better rope for me? And if my rope breaks again, can I be happy if I tie up to someone else who is anchored ? Or, can we be happy just drifting around the world together in these final days of our lives? Though I still cannot answer these questions with absolute confidence, I am certain about one thing: hope is the anchor of the soul, and it will always remain grounded in the goodness of the Earth.

The line we each attach to our anchors is really just a temporary fixation that keeps us attached to safety. No matter how strong you think your rope is, there will always be storms that come along and wither it away. Having faith in God's love, however, is a permanent anchor that does not even physically exist. The line is made of faith, and this line of faith is what I have ultimately found will keep me attached to a secure and enduring love that is sure to save me from anything.

Regardless of who enters or leaves my physical life, I will always rest assured that God has a plan for my vessel. And sometimes, breaking my rope is His way of giving me freedom from an anchor that was holding me back from encountering a better place. From this boat, I can try to make sure that my knot is tied strong and my line is unbroken, but when I look down to see my anchor, all I will see is my reflection. So the best thing to do is to trust in the system, and focus on being happy with the person you see on the water.

Digital Beauty

It is important to be aware of and to remember that the beautiful images we see of women in advertisements and magazines are just images.  They are not reflections of reality, and therefore, we must not believe that we should look like that in order to be beautiful.  If you want to look like these women in the pictures, simply hire a photo editor to adjust your own images.  However, never forget that nobody looks like this in real life.  You are the most beautiful creatures in the world.

Makeup Magic

This article explains how to use contouring and highlighting so your makeup will better accentuate the features of your face.  It shouldn't add any time to your routine, it simply retrains you on the proper places to apply.  Stay glamourous!

Makeup Tutorial: How to Contour Your Face

Fear - Why To Let It Go

The following quote is a powerful message delivered by this short video about fear.  After hearing it and reflecting on its meaning, I have decided to let go of my fears.  Instead, I want to view challenges as exciting adventures to embrace, love, and pursue rather than as scary obstacles to run from.  I will encourage myself to push the walls of my safety box until they break and fall down.  In this moment, I can no longer hide from my fears, but they must simply be faced and overcome. 

“Fear is just imaginary. Fear is just anticipated failure in your mind of the event that hasn’t even occurred yet.  Fear isn’t real.  Fear isn’t a thing.  Fear isn’t a person.  Fear isn’t an object.  Fear is all you.  It’s in your mind, and it’s self-created.  Instead of thinking about the 70 years, 28,000 days on this planet as something scarce, limited, as something that’s running out of time­­ – instead of thinking about it that way, think of it as a gift.  Think of it as an opportunity for you to do what you have to do on this planet.  And let this massive, infinite galaxy and universe – let that awestruck you.  Let that inspire you to do things differently if possibly.  So I leave you with a question.  I leave with you a challenge on this beautiful autumn fall day.  And that’s to create your own environment instead of being a product of it and that starts from you understanding how irrelevant fear is.  Because once you understand how irrelevant fear is, your capacity is limitless.  You will understand that you are the one in control of your life, you are the one that creates your environment and that you are the one that uses this system, this resource, as a tool and not to be a tool in this system.  Because in the end, it’s all about pooling our natural talents together and creating massive value for this world and leaving your legacy on this planet.  How’s that for perspective.”

QUICK TIPS

The link to the blog post below will take you to an insightful list of tips to help guide your decisions and feelings while you are in your 20's.  Even if none of this is new to you, it is always great to refresh your mind with words of advice.  Think about copying and pasting it into a document and adding or removing anything you want.  Then, print and hang it in your closet to remind you of these important lessons each time you start and end your day.  Or, simply store it somewhere that you can access anytime you need a boost of inspiration.

70 Things I Learned in My 20's

A Little Girl's Daddy

As little girls, Daddy is the figure we look to love.  We watch him love Mommy, and we dream of having a man just like him.  The traits that Daddy possesses are the ones girls look for when we start looking for our own man to love.

Unfortunately, not all girls are lucky enough to have a father who openly loves.  Some men marry women for their money, thinking her parents will support the family and he will not have to work to provide.  Some men cheat on their wives, thinking that she is enjoying herself on vacation with the kids and won't notice the lingerie his prostitute left in his wife's armoire.  Some men also have perverted and violent tendencies.  These can be taken out on both wives and children.

When a girl has a dad who possesses traits like the ones described above, these are what she instinctually looks for in a mate.  These are men that hurt her, however, and leave her feeling as wounded as her mother felt by the soulless treatment of her father.

As a girl with a poor father, I have found that it is important to recognize this fact and make a point to seek a man who possesses traits that my father does not, as unnatural as that may feel at first.  I never want to suffer the abandonment, fear, or hopelessness that women who marry devilish men experience.  Most importantly, however, I will do everything in my power to ensure that my children have parents who serve as role models.

Nobody can fake being a father.  Therefore, a man who lacks the character of a true gentleman does not deserve the privilege of having a little girl in his life, even if he has already created her.

Musical Inspiration

Daft Punk is a classic electronic band.  The robotic duo's latest album is called Random Access Memories, a reference to the storage capacity or "RAM" on a computer.  I love the videos that feature the people who collaborated with Daft Punk on this album.  You can watch the videos by going to their website randomaccessmemories.com and clicking on the link in the upper right corner that says "Watch: The Collaborators Series."  There are eight clips to watch, but the one below is my favorite.  Enjoy!

A Brief History of Me

As a fifteen year-old girl finishing my freshman year of high school at a public school in Littleton, Colorado, I entered the summer of 2007 with excitement.  I was, as usual, traveling to my house on Lake George in upstate New York to spend two months playing on the water with the family and friends who I have known and loved since before I can remember memories.  My dad would visit for two weeks (one at the beginning and one at the end), and I couldn’t be more excited.  I could feel that something was going to be great about this summer, and I was right.  I had the most fun I had ever had with my friends, but I also noticed a change in the relationship of my parents.  I assumed things would go back to normal when we returned home to Colorado.   But weird things continued to happen.  After a couple weeks of being home, my parents broke the news to my brothers and I that they were getting a divorce.  I will never forget this day, for it is a day that changed me forever.  About a month later, I was touring private schools in New Jersey and staying at the house of the man who will be marrying my mother this coming fall, six years later.  Basically, my last year in Colorado was a blur of partying, playing lacrosse, and making memories with my friends (most of who were going off to college).  I lived two years in New Jersey and pretty much hated every minute of it.  I hardly saw my dad, who stayed in Colorado, and I felt extremely lonely. 

When I flew down to Texas to start my freshman year at SMU, I was even more excited than when I went to Lake George three summers before.  I knew I was going to meet incredible people, have amazing experiences, and learn so much about the world.  What I didn’t expect, however, was how much I was about to learn about myself.  I always knew I was a good student, but being surrounded by friends who just wanted to pass their classes made me question why I cared so much about grades.  I kept up a 4.0 for two semesters, but there were so many other things I could be doing, like hanging out with my friends, trying new restaurants, and going on long walks around the beautiful sidewalks of Highland Park.  I got involved in clubs, sports, and Greek life; and I was happier than I had been since I had left Colorado.  I even got to see my dad a couple of times that year. 

One weekend when most of my friends were out of town, I was sitting on my futon with a friend of mine who is very religious.  Casey was the one in my group of friends who partied without drinking and who could always be counted on to put together the stories that none of us remembered in the mornings after going out.  Although I had gone to church every Sunday in elementary school, my family began skiing on Sundays when club lacrosse games started taking place on Saturdays in middle school.  After my family got out of the habit of going to church regularly, we even stopped going on holidays like Christmas and Easter.  During my time in school in New Jersey, I noticed my interest in spiritual things when I had a Buddhist minister as one of my teachers.  We often mediated during class, and I read a lot of books about enlightenment.  The universe always fascinated me; and on this weekend when I was alone with Casey, I began to ask him questions about Jesus.  He answered them all as best as he could, and he even encouraged me to go to church with him.  I went a couple of times, and something strange happened.  I would uncontrollably cry as soon as the pastor began speaking.  Opening my dialogue with God again was another turning point in my life that has changed me forever.

My sophomore year at SMU was the time in my life that I hit rock bottom.  I was no longer seeing or speaking to my father, I had my heart broken by a boy I thought I had loved, and my friends seemed to stop caring about hanging out with me (probably because I was so depressing to be around at this point).  I decided I needed to make a change, and I did.  First, I started a blog.  To this day, it is a place where I can express myself.  It felt good to put my feelings out there even though it is likely that nobody ever came across it.  I went through about a year of extreme sadness during which I would just cry.  I didn’t know what was hurting me, and I was so far from my family that they didn’t notice I was struggling.  Luckily, a couple of good friends listened to me and helped me determine the root of my pain: my dad.  I didn’t understand why we had completely lost touch and how a parent could show so little care for a child.  I had been coping with this loss by creating a hard exterior around my heart.  While I did this as a defense mechanism to hold onto the love that my father had given me in the past, it hurt me even more because it kept new love from going in.  Breaking down this wall and becoming vulnerable was a long process, but I knew that I still had a strong anchor to my other family and friends.

Letting go of my dad as a person who I loved was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I still find the whole situation very sad.  But I have gained strength in learning how to live my life without allowing others to control my feelings.  I have also developed an understanding about myself to a degree that I never thought I could.  One thing that helped me through this time was rediscovering my faith in God.  I don’t go to church often, but I pray and write to Him any time I feel unsure, weak, or sad.  I also read the Bible for answers in times of desperation, and I thank God for everything as often as I can.  God is what I love most because He is the foundation on which I have rebuilt my life. 

My dream since my first trip to New York City when I was ten has been to live and work in the city that never sleeps.  I plan to move there as soon as I graduate and pursue a career in real estate.  Somewhere along the way, I hope I meet and marry the man of my dreams.  I also want to have a family of my own and travel all over the world.  My greatest moments of joy are experiences with my friends and family.  The feeling of bonding with these people over games, laughter, and stories is more fulfilling than anything else in the world.  I am equally fascinated by experiences with nature, such as watching shooting stars dart across the sky or seeing the colors that a sunrise creates on the lake.  These phenomena fascinate me because of their beauty that God created.  I always try to be aware and grateful for nature as much as I am for my loved ones. 

The main things I value in life are honesty, loyalty, and love.  I believe that being honest about who you are and are not is important in relationships, for I care about people enough to let them know who I genuinely am and I appreciate when they reciprocate by showing me their true selves.  Loyalty is essential in being honest and ensuring that you do not hurt people who you care about and who care for you.  Lastly, I believe that life begins with love, and the purpose of life is to love and feel loved.  It is the basis of all desires and great memories, and it is what will keep us happy and alive as a race.  In fact, I believe that everything in “life” is an allusion of what we choose to think, see, hear, smell, touch, and feel both physically and emotionally.  Therefore, after my body dies, I believe my soul will enter a heavenly realm where all good souls go to enjoy each other for eternity without the fears, struggles, and insecurities of the physical realm.  I am not a perfect person and I never want to be.  I only want to be of service to those I can help, always be exploring ways to improve life, and never stop loving those for whom I care the most.

Lost Things -Lang Leav

Lake House

It is one of those perfect August days—sunny and warm with a light layer of clouds to keep the heat from being too hot on the skin.  I woke up late; and currently, I am at my house on the southern point of Forest Bay.  I am sitting on a deck with Lake George at three and nine o'clock, and the houses I have lived in every summer for my whole life to my front and back.  When I look around, I can't help but see memories, people, and interactions that I have encountered in this area of the world over my years.  I even see the people whose faces I know from photographs of them sitting in these chairs.  They were on this porch, holding cocktails, when the love and laughter was created.  Chit-chat and gossip with cousins and neighbors, all about each other—I love that I am a part of this, and I know that we will have this place to return to each other for all the rest of our days.

To be twenty-one, a Senior in college, and almost living on my own, the experiences with my best friends and family take place less often.  We used to see each other every day from the moments we woke up until as late as we could pass out.  Whether it was curfews reeling us in at twelve in the evening or the booze knocking us out just after the sun rose, I have seen and lived the most beautiful things in life at this place.  I am grateful for the ever present rumble of a speedboat in the distance, laughter from children across the bay, and waves splashing against the rocks.  These are the sensory experiences that let me know that I am safe, at home.

This is a place I know; it is a place I love.